Swimming in intuition

What am I focusing on? Hard to say when I feel so empty. This week has been full of panic attacks and staring at a wall, with the same song on repeat. It seems to be the only thing managing to give me a wave of emotion. Sitting deep in thought, I realize he made me think too much of the past and so much of the future. I was never in the now.  I want to tell him everyday that I love him, though when I pick up my phone my hands begin to tremble because my soul knows he's no good for me. This feeling won't go away it hovers over me. Stuck in a bubble of breathless air. I feel so still but not at ease.  I need you with me and that confuses me. The vision of you vanished in what seemed like a matter of moments. I keep reaching out.  Having your whole life ripped out from underneath you is so devastatingly beautiful. Coming from a rough place, trying to find my place.  Don't get lost.  Don't get lost in the emptines...

     During high school I was never a part of the “popular group”. I was known as the one to run away to my car right after school and not really speak to anyone. But that was soon about to change. It was summer of 2011. I was 18 years old and ready to take on the world… or so I thought. I met Michael at a point where my life started to shift. I was craving attention and I guess to be part of the “cool crowd”. I wanted to experience life on the edge and Oh boy was he edgy. His neck tattoos drew to me, this savage skateboarder involved in a world I had never known but was divining full force into. His recklessness was a hidden part of me. I always wanted to act upon it but never had the heart to until this madness started pouring out of me. It wasn’t long before we spent every day together. Going to parties and being on the arm of someone so desired. I started drinking all night, making friends and being social, something that was so foreign to me. It was a false perc...